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It’s 2am. It’s dark outside. I look over at my clock with the sudden realisation that there are literally hundreds and thousands of people out there getting wasted on cheap booze and generally having a much better time than me. I rub my eyes, sigh, shake my head and get back on with it. Not because I’m better than them. And not because I’m some sad, locked-in loser either (although that is debatable.) You see, I don’t need the usual distractions – booze, fun, women, daylight, other people, normal human society – all fade into obscurity. I care not for these things. Why? Because I have stumbled upon the ancient art of Midget Throwing!
Perhaps it’s a sign of the times. Perhaps I have finally gone crazy. I’ve spent all night looking at flying dwarves. There’s a story to this – you may have seen our recent article ‘The A-Team – Then And Now.’ If you haven’t, then you’d better drag your worthless ass over there. After putting that particular masterpiece online, I read through and one sentence in particular lept out at me: “Mr T is winner of the World’s Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing (since outlawed.)” Dwarf Tossing?! That sounds amazing! I just had to find out more!!
The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980’s – a pub game for bored white trash country types, bored with driving their tractors. According to one website (hosted on the ever-trusty BBC.co.uk no less):
“This pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities. This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the women’s constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn’t want to wear the shirt of a ‘chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway’.
Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp. In order for ‘persons pacified with their horizontally-perpendicular circumstances’ to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise.”
“Unlike golf, this is a true spectator’s sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks of the interventions of ‘persons who negotiate a humour deficiency’ no professional body has been created to globally organise and fund what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unprejudiced view of society (even though a British Association of Dwarf Throwers does currently exist).”
Christopher Reeve shudders in his grave. Lois Lane silently weeps.
These flying midgets get six figure salaries? Can this be true?! Which makes me wonder – who in the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get hazard pay?
Basically the rules are as follows; you pick up your selected midget (who will likely be adorning some kind of safety helmet and vest), take a three step run-up and throw the little bugger as far as you possibly can. And there you have it – possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets their human missile the furthest is the winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of prizes would be given. Sexual favours perhaps… who knows?
The first of these twisted little events to get any real recognition was The Dwarf Throwing World Championship (I kid you not) which took place some time in 1986 – further proof as to what a messed up decade that was. That particular toss-fest was won by Team England – Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant the heroes of the hour.
Making And Breaking Records.
Take a glance at the rather marvellous newspaper clipping to the right. I guarantee it is genuine. The current world record for the longest throw is held by some white trash nutcase called Cuddles. Bless. I bet he loves his mommy and everything. The throw was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus escapees calling themselves Oddballs. The Oddballs are mainly famous for their rather racy (and un-nervingly homo-erotic) ‘baloon dance,’ which basically involves them prancing about naked with baloons covering their pinkened, shrunken manhoods.
It seems the local newspapers were all over this event, keen to bring you the latest on this extreme spectator sport for the new millennium. It seems not much happens in whatever sleepy-hick-filled country hovel this took place in (we will call it Sheepball-on-sea.) Either that, or there was some crazy, sickening midget sex fetish going on at the time…
Oh, and by the way (if you give a shit) – according to some random, haggared site I’ve since forgotten about, the English are still world champs. Another black eye to national pride, methinks. We might suck at the Olympics, or any other real sport for that matter, but damn – we really can let those midgets fly.
Understandably, when people heard about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet strangely fascinating sport, they rallied en-masse to have it banned. Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight – hundreds of people marching down on the houses of law, demanding that the vertically-challenged have the right to stay on the ground. I wish I could have been there. Damned hindsight.
The year was 1989, and the world’s only support group for the vertically-challenged – The Little People Of America – went to Florida and convinced the lawmakers there that this strange sport is infact cruel and should be stopped. The measure banning dwarf-tossing was passed with a wide margin, and dwarf-tossing was outlawed in both Florida and New York. Yet, in the LPA’s home state of Texas, you can still throw migdets about to your heart’s content. Want to abuse a midget? Now you have to get in your car and drive… Later Dave Flood who appears on a morning radio talk show as “Dave the Dwarf,” took the issue to court and made the sport illegal in bars. Thanks Dave.
In Ontario, Canada, the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act, 2003 was enacted, with penalties of a fine of not more than $5,000 or to imprisonment for a term of not more than six months, or both. Perhaps they have a special wing in the jails for the dwarf-tossers. Hmmm…
Despite all this fancy legal action, this bizarre sport is still taking place today. During my research for this article / compulsive waste of time, I stumbled across some random Satan-type website that had a section on Dwarf-Tossing. These photos (see below) were taken at a recent event, probably deep in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I noticed – if you look closely at the photos – it’s the same midget being thrown by each one of those hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That’s just not right! He doesn’t even get a helmet or anything!
Remember folks no matter how bizarre, different, or strangely fascinating this obscure and perverse sport may seem, don’t try it. Johnny Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. You’ve heard about what they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they’d do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion… it’s never cool to be a tosser.
An Article By: Part-time Ninja of [
write by Gladys